Monday, April 21, 2008

Today is Monday - Itchy Stitches

I just want to scratch at my stitches, and what I have learned to do is to gently move my fingers over the area-- making sure not to use my finger-nails and making sure to not do it too roughly or quickly. I have found that by just gently touching the area, my non-injured arm gets the satisfaction of pleasing the injured arm.
I am still quite unsatisfied, but I am tired of being selfish, and by allowing my non-injured arm a bit of joy I feel that it is helping me mature.
I can't recall if I just never listened to my parents, or if they just didn't tell me, or did I just forget what they had taught me, or did I just have to learn on my own. I don't know. But, what I do know is that I have appeared to waste my life (up till this point, and I can't figure out how to remedy my situation) and I am certain that they informed me about life, adulthood and choices, but all that great advice fell upon my ears like my nimble fingers now fall upon my itchy stitches. If they would have just dug in and really tore at them I feel that I would have been better off.
Fuck.
I am so frustrated and I have this horrible feeling of helplessness and dread.
Sort of like I have very limited time and very few options to make things right.
The only thing that I can think to do is to tell my story of Sofia.
She is gone, and I don't think that she is coming back.
I believe that if I can just write about her then perhaps I can finally leave her.
I will start tomorrow.
Right now, I need to go feign-scratch an elusive itch and have a feign-sip on an empty glass of bourbon.
Xioba