Saturday, April 5, 2008

Today is Satruday- Listening for Crickets

It has been some time since I have written. Time passes by in such a cruel and boring way and does not allow for proper acknowledgment or recognition of how special we have it here on earth. Over the past few months I have had some pretty dramatic events stall my desire to continue on without noticing. Most recently, I returned from a stint of 'drying out'. That is to say, I am not quiting my booze nor smoke, but I needed to get away from the House. It was tougher than I expected as I did not really believe that I had lost that much control. But, I guess I was just a bit numb. I won't get into why I decided to seek help, but I will say that in the end I believe that I needed some intervention. The sad thing that really ended up settling into my heart was that I am not sure why I let Sofia flee. I realize why she left, but I don't understand why I didn't try to change sooner. I think of her much too often now for it to be healthy as I fear I may slip back into the House if I just don't let it go. Also, over the past few weeks I lost a friend of mine. He was leading a pack of cyclists up a training route and got hit by a sheriff. Pretty sobering. I am not ready to talk about this loss for me, but I needed to get it out there so that I won't forget to talk about it when ready.

My mother used to tell me the following story when I was sad, bad, mean or sassy.

"When you walk through the woods listening for crickets you will miss the croak of the bullfrog."

She would often times replace crickets with "flapping wings of butteflies", "snap of the dragonfly", "buzz of the moth", "hum of the spider"; but, she always kept the croak of the bullfrog. I finally understand what she was saying to me, and it hurts me that I have missed so much over the past year.

Xioba