I was out back the other day. It was hot out here in the MVCA, so I decided to clean up the patio, the hot tub, the chairs, the garden so that I could enjoy the day much like Sofia and I used to. I decided to smoke again, so that made the day a bit more enjoyable. At first, it hurt a bit as the first few pulls were hot, harsh and, clearly, harmful.
But, I think, that that is the allure of smoking for me; whatever reality exists within our own bodies is a pretty abstract notion. I mean, I can feel my heart beat, I can feel my bowels and my breath. But, all that tissue and fatty sinew within goes unacknowledged. I guess if I had surgery or something it might become a bit more familiar.
Can you have elective surgery to gain knowledge, or do you just have to want to become prettier, or smaller or bustier?
So for me, the harsh scrape of the smoke against my tissue and that nice rushy-dizziness from the nicotine just grants me a moment of lucidity and is my choice for self-help and self-realization.
I was fortunate enough to get a glimpse of a rather large mosquito-eater fall prey to a very small garden-spider. It all began with the mosquito-eater clumsily battering about the wall near my hot tub. For whatever reason, I just sat there and watched it. I think that the way that they fly really draws attention to them.
What exactly do they do? Do they really eat mosquitoes?
Anyway, at a certain point this bug found its clumsy way into a web. I guess that is what bugs do. They just amble about until they either get eaten by birds, or frogs, or spiders.
It frantically tried to get out of the web which only further entwined it and signaled to the spider to come hither-- which it did with quick vigor.
I sat, entranced, and watched the unfolding of nature.
The little spider, barely bigger then one of the mosquito-eater's eyes, began a very meticulous attack upon the bug in the web. It rappelled down toward the bug, and the bug would dance about which would send the spider back up. The spider would rappel again, and the bug would dance, etc. Once, it appeared the spider fell from the web and hit the ground, but then it shot back up into the web.
And then down again and then up again.
The spider tried to get close to the prey, but could not find its way there. It could get near to the legs and it appeared to bite them which seemed odd to me since the legs of a mosquito-eater just appear to be twigs and I was unclear how the venom could get to the body from the twigs.
I almost, almost decided to squish the spider (I love-hate them) and almost, almost decided to free the bug. But, I just felt that nature, in this little moment between a tiny spider and a bumbling, clumsy mosquito-eater is so much grander than my little, impulsive decisions.
So, I just watched.
The little spider, finally and very neatly corralled all of the legs and wings and soon found a way to get close to the body to make the final, venomous bite. There was a moment where I got nauseous when the little spider climbed over the black eyes of the bug.
I tried to stare into those little dark eyes, but I didn't quite know what to look at. I mean, there are not any pupils, or perhaps there are so many pupils that I could not choose one.
The bug soon quieted down and appeared to relax into this fate, and it appeared to have a release of tension which created a calm, elated joy. Is that even possible?
I think that I am pretty fucked up in the head. I am not sure that I belong here.
The little spider climbed up into the rafters of its tiny home and slowly began to hoist the bug up.
I continued to watch as the bug was slowly lifted and soon disappeared.
My love for Sofia is like that silly little clumsy bug. Misdirected intentions full of want and desire, but misdirected and aimless in the end. Even if I were to find my way back to her life would she hoist me up into her heart again? I really hope so.